I am Jonah
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
MINCE 13
TATTIES 4
The Mincies triumphed in a remarkably crap game played during a heatwave which would wipe out camels in the Sahara.
As always controversy (or, as it's also know, Iain) raged about certain aspects of the evening. For one, there was Christian's conversion to rugby union drop goals. It started out as tiresome but by the end, after his final clearance ended up underneath a car behind the goal, tempers flared.
Tempers weren't the only thing flaring. By time up (or 5 minutes till time up as the next match came on early and saved us from out tribulations) my boots had started to stick to the rapidly-melting pitch.
The mince team was unrecognisable from any previous line ups during the season. No Bammy, Craigo or Si. In their places came Dave (as per usual), Brian (friend of Martys) and Michael Reilly, making a surprise return to the club he won a man of the match award for in April. Us Tatties had some pre-game plans which might have worked had it not been for three factors: 1 - the teeny weeny pitch; 2 - the furnace like conditions; 3 - the mince team was better than us.
Surprisingly though, the match started well for the Tatties. Marty scored a thunderbolt as we stormed into the lead. Hell, even Iain scored in those hectic opening stages. We incredibly raced into a dizzy 3-1 lead.
Normality was not long in resuming and the seive sprung into action. Good tackling, quality goalkeeping, tracking back, marking - we managed to fail miserably in all of these departments as the world collapsed around us. Before long our passing had gone west too. Finally, our fniishing was summed up by one stunning strike from me. As the ball rolled perfectly to me, I swung my left leg at it. I expected the ball to fiz towards goal (well, that's what normally happens). To be honest the heat (which had melted my watch by this point) had exhausted me enough that I would have been happy with a respectable effort in the general direction of the goal. Hell, I'd have taken hitting the ball. Unfortunately, not only did I miss the ball, but I completely lost my balance and fell in a heap on top of it. It was ugly.
After about fifteen minutes the Tattie team died. The score jumped from 3-1 to 3-10 in a few minutes. About ten minutes later the Mincies died too, leaving the match to be played out similar to a cricket game. The keeper would throw the ball, Christian would have a swing at it. He'd either miss it or send it soaring out the ground for six. Everyone else basically stood and watching.
Thankfully the next match came on five minutes early. Although the previous fifteen minutes had been spent waiting around for Christian to recover the ball from the pitch opposite / pitch four miles away / car par / M8 or wherever he had blasted it. Everyone was sweating heavily and my shorts were beginning to turn from khaki to a queer shade of brown (due to the sweat, not pee or crap or anything, although Christiano's challenges do have a tendency to slacken the bowels).
So for next week we have no Iain. What are we going to do? How will we find the pitch? Where do we pay? Who will collect the money? Who will phone for next week?? Who'll shout at Creeky????
Man of the Match - The Ball
As it will never be seen again (and because the vote is tied with about 6 people just now) I think we should honour the match ball, who went before her time. May she rest it peace (and not menure like her predecessor).
UPDATE
It looks as though Big Dave (with some help of Dr Fox) is the clear winner after the match report was written - well done big man!
Goal of the Match - Marty
Marty's Hot Shot Hamish syle bullet to open the scoring was even more bullet-like than normal. It had power and accuracy, things which we sadly lost during the course of the match.
Miss of the Match - Mikey
I thought my swing with the left foot and fallover was pretty spectacular.
Save of the Match - Mikey
Don't remember too many stunning saves. I saved a good one on one with Brian early on, when the game still resembled football.
Player ratings
Mince
Alan - 8
Big Al was at his best. He even made the occassional run forward such was the confidence oozing from him. What can I say about him that hasn't been said before? He's a brute.
Dave - 9
Again he had confidence pouring out of every oriface. The sunny conditions seemed to suit his shiny napper. He was even scoring freely this week.
Christian - 9
Blotted his copybook with his insistance on attempting to find orbit with the ball. At one stage I had the ball with him, Dave and Alan round me. Maybe that's where the brown patch on my shorts came from.
Brian - 9
A frustratingly good footballer. It's always disappointing when a new guy on the other team turns out to be good. We were all hoping for a Tom Mark II.
Michael R - 9
Judas returned to stick the boot into the Tatties again. Having jumped from the good ship idox he followed up his man of the match performance from April with another great outing. He's won more games than me now, I think.
Tatties
Sorry Tats, I know we weren't horrific but we got thumped so we're all getting crap marks this week...
Me - 5
And my goal drout continues. 12th May was the last time I scored. And that was with my left foot. I had nightmares all last night about my shot which hit the bar, post and bounced on the line. It should have went in.
Iain - 5
As always he tried. The Cochrane dummy was used to its usual effect (i.e. none). Like the rest of us it was his final ball was the problem. We seemed to hit a brick wall after the first 10 minutes.
Marty - 5
The curse of me came to haunt Marty this week. He scored a stormer to make it 1-0 but coudn't get past the brick defence after the opening stages.
Luke - 5
Scored a beauty but, by the end, looked like I felt. With his shirt off (yes, the Luke torso was showing again), sweat pouring and exhausted walk he epitomised the Tattie team at full time.
Neil - 5
Surprisingly cheery at full time. Whether that was because of a new, positive outlook or the oncoming of insanity I'm not sure.
The last sighting of Christians late clearance...