King Midas returns in regal fashion.
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
MINCE 10
TATTIES 13
After a nose-bleed enducing period away from the head of the table Alan returns with another blistering performance to blast us all back into our places as meek servents to his brilliance. In addition Neil plummets back down to being the Jonah of group - although his demise has not yet reached the nightmare enducing horrors of his previous winless run.
Yes, after a thoroughly entertaining report from Si last week, it is the magnificent me back with my depressed ramblings. Depressed, alas, because of another sad defeat to the twin towers of Alan and Christiano. Despite some sneakily discussed pre-game tactics us Mincies went down, albeit heroically.
Sadly missing last night, for the first time, was Tam the Bam. A knee injury from last week meant that Chopper Dave had to fill his lovely red slippers. Returning from last week were me (obviously), Alan and Luke.
The first major surprise of the evening was the arrival of Luke. Part one of his fiendish plan to upset the opposition was his arrival with a full 28 seconds to spare before kick off. His glasses had been repaired courtesy of some super glue which was not, thankfully, tested by another one of Martys shots.
Part two of his plan came when he flashed his torso at the opposition just prior to kick off. Unfortunately this backfired as it was me who turned to look at him. As a result the details in this match report may be a tad hazy... I might have blacked out for a while.
Sarcism aside, Luke came into this game trying to preserve his lead as numero uno in the rankings. Despite being alongside Iain, heroic man of the match of last week, his Mince team were still rank outsiders in the match. In the Tattie side Marty, Christian, Alan, Si and Craigo formed possible the best team seen since the days of picking the teams out of a hat.
Our pre-match discussions involved trying to play Dave slightly further up and putting me in goals first to try and keep the Tatties out as long as possible. Bizarrely it actually worked initially as Neil flicked us into an early lead. Unfortunately a typically jammy deflected Tattie goal made it one each within a few minutes and our plan of score early and give the ball to the keeper for 55 minutes wasn't given a chance to work.
The game went pretty much as expected. Despite running aroud like headless chickens and trying heroically Alan decided to do his King Midas thing and became totally unpassible, either in defence or in goals. Meanwhile, as had been feared by us prior to kick off, Marty and Si were doing what they do best - scoring lots of goals. However, as the Tatties fired into a four goal lead, hope came to us Mincers in the form of Mr Injury himself - Christiano.
In an incredible attempt to block a through pass he contorted his body in such a way that several muscles were strained badly. The image of his spider like body in that position - one leg planted on the ground, the other twisted about seven feet in the air, his body twisted back - was quite a sight, and one which surely merits a mention in the Guiness Book of Records. The result was that he had to go in goals for a while, giving the Mince hope that we might be able to take advantage of his injury.
Unfortunately Christianos spider like ability aids him when he's in goals and he can normally stretch a leg to stop whatever is fired at him. Despite coming out of goals and managing to injure himself again (he's becoming a bit of a Frank Spencer) his remaining fit limbs were enough to repell Mince attacks, and score a few pivital goals.
The most controversial point was not overly debatable this week. Dave handled outside the box and gave away a penalty which Marty duly converted. Despite Luke also claiming (and not getting) one for Si doing likewise, Dave catching the ball whilst playing in defence and me handballing pretty blatant, there was no violence or arguments (possibly because Christians injury had subdued him).
Man of the Match - Mikey
Surprisingly enough all you knowledgable chaps voted me man of the match, despite us getting gubbed. Interestingly neither me or Alan, who was runner up in the voting, scored last night.
Goal of the Match - Craig
I remember Si scoring a belter - he did his dribble past everyone thing before firing into the roof of the net.
Miss of the Match - Craig
Craig volunteered himself for this award. The goal was open, he was in the middle of the goals, the ball struck the bar. Need I say more?
Save of the Match - Me
My saves at the end were voted save of the match (although I would like to point out that Alan had a belter in goals too). It was a shame that the saves were at the end though, when we already getting beat.
Player ratings
Mince
Me - 8
Once again I never scored this week, although I played well in goals and set up a few. That big brute Alan has me in his back pocket sometimes though.
Iain - 7
A typical Iain performance - full of running, energy and bad moods when losing. Never got kicked off of Christiano this week.
Neil - 7
Neil showed trickery and actually linked up really well down the left side although, like the rest of us, just couldn't create enough chances.
Dave - 7
Kept up the red boot tradition (started by Tom) although the red on his boots was opponents blood. Unlike Christian, who injures through accident, I swear Dave's eyes turn red and a manic grin spreads across his face as he runs to tackle/maim someone.
Luke - 6
Lukass arrived on time this week (woohoo) but lost his number one spot despite a solid enough performance. His patched up specs seemed no hinderance as he did his usual Ronaldo tricks. He does, however, lose a mark for the striptease before kick off.
Tatties
Alan - 8
Alan was a man mountain in defence, not allowing anything past in that annoying way that he has.
Christiano - 6
He did play quite well, although his injuries quietened him down considerably. It was quite an experience to be able to play without fear of being board-mashed off him.
Si - 8
Si was as inspirational as always. Running here, there and everywhere, impossible to mark and also helping out defensively. Bloody annoying.
Craig - 7
Along with Si and Marty formed an attacking trio that looked like scoring at every attack. Loses a mark for missing a sitter.
Marty - 8
Scored his usual umpteen goals and his trademark shot seemed to be in working order. His close control and passing also make him murder to play against.
Somebody made Dave angry...