Mince Mashed by Tatties (please excuse me, it's my first time of writing)
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
MINCE 10
TATTIES 12
Three of the stalwart ten were omitted from last night's starting line up. Not since the emphatic four a side match of a few weeks ago have these two age-old rivals looked so unrecognisable. Alan was first to depart with an excuse of "professional constraints", and Luke was not far behind, citing his visual handicap as reason for ill-attendance. I have to imagine, however, that Mikey's taunts of, 'your pink t-shirt's minging' in last week's report were the true reasons for this leave of absence. This left us with two fairly balanced teams when the replacements in the form of Big Dave (for Alan), and Stuart (for Luke) were announced, and all was going well.
Then came the crunch. On match day, the big girl Mikey pulled out following a domestic injury, which left a 5-4 swing in favour of the mince. Marty said let my friend play, Si said let my friend play. Si's friend played, and soon wished it had been Marty's.
The game started off in its customary fashion (no, not late - Luke wasn't playing) with each team testing for weaknesses in the opposition before striking. True to form it was Christian who struck first. True to form it was at an opponent rather than the ball which was struck, and true to form Iain fell to the ground. With the Tatties cowering at the power of the Mince, the latter took a two goal lead. "No team has ever lost after grabbing a 3-0 lead" stated last week's report, and the Mince tried desperately to grab this one elusive goal. It wasn't to be as the Tatties scored once, then twice, then took the lead after neat interplay between the now bipedal Iain, the hairy and imposing Marty, and the "who invited you anyway?" jinky Scott.
Not to take anything away from the other two Tatties ...ehh... Tom and Dave, this triplet were awesome: Iain regained his sharpness momentarily lost last week, darting hither and thither; Marty was typically nonchalant and full of vision; and Scott wowed the near capacity crowd of Andrea with flicks and tricks.
Other than the unrecognisable teams, another factor glasred at us - it took 38 minuted before the ball was ballooned out the pitch confines, and this was performed by Scott who doesn't even know our traditions! However, we soon came to our senses and blatted it skyward a further two times thereafter.
Back to the match, and another sterling turn and run by Iain. One on one with Christian in goal, a foot of God came from nowhere and clipped the ball elegantly from Iain's control. A wonderful tackle. Or so thought the 'keeper who was blissfully unaware of the rules. He thought that his area stretched the length of one of his legs to permit him use of not only the semi-circle round the goal, but a good two feet of the Mince half. A penalty ensued and the tatties took the lead again with Marty coolly slotting past the clearly shaken Christian.
With backs to the wall, the Mince had to strike back. Craig found a new lease of life both in goal saving well from a number of Tattie attack waves, and outfield where a tremendous dipping shot brought his team back level to give them some hope.
These hopes were dashed as Dave appeared to stop every other move purely by casting a voluminous shadow over the pitch with his enormous frame, and from some fine passing and defensive displays from Tom.
"The grunt, Tom, the grunt!" was heard as Si was ready to pull the trigger at goal. "grr" came the grunt, and, with Si flummoxed, Tom snatched the ball from the striker's path. Or should I say snatched the striker's ankle from his leg. This poorly-judged tackle had two effects: one, the goal was prevented; and two, Tom injured himself and had to play the remainder of the game as goalie or sweeper. The Mince latched onto this unprecedented grail and took advantage first through a Stuart thunderbolt and then Neil after a clinical finish following nonsensical throwouts.
Game on!
Game over. Iain found yet another gear; Scott found yet another trick; Marty found yet another horseshoe in his boot and unleashed a ferocious, nay illegally fuelled shot into the corner of the net.
The mince rallied, but just can't find the je ne sais pas path to glory, and the Tatties ran out deserved winners.
Man of the Match - Iain
A tough decision, but it had to be someone from the winning team and it should go to Iain for persistent running, chasing the ball, getting into position, passing and shooting well. Sterling.
Miss of the Match - Si / Tom / Iain
Either my fumble after Tom's bizarre war cry at me, or Iain for apparently shinning the ball at me in goal after running sweetly onto a Marty through-ball (he DID pass it, Iain)
Goal of the Match - Craig
Si jinked clear, wrong-footing Scott in defence, and found space dead centre in front of the goal. He looks to his right and screams for the ball to be played through by Craig. Craig ignores all pleas, beats one, then two, then blasts it into the 'keeper's bottom right corner.
Player ratings
Mince
Christian - 6
Couldn't find the dynamic poaching skills of late, but did open the scoring and make a couple of splendid, if somewhat illegal, saves in goal.
Neil - 7
Tried hard but couldn't find the magic of last week. A few splendid turns, a couple of stonking goals, and one particularly sweet backheel to set up a Mince goal.
Stuart - 7
Useful. Great tackles, and excellent awareness and positioning. Splendid goal with both feet off the ground to level the scores to 5-5
Craig - 8
Ceaseless running, a good goal, and a couple of tremendous saves to keep us partially in it.
Si - 6
Summed up the team name
Tatties
Tom - 7
A couple of superb turns by Dorothy-slippered twinkle-toes, then found form waning after the knees injury
Iain - 9
The dick. Stratlingly quick. Beat all to the ball and showed some fancy footwork, great positioning, and not a few goals.
Marty - 8
Again a wonderful performance from the Wookiee. Excellent awareness, great team effort, and a disgustingly strong shot.
Scott - 9
Pacy, skillfull, looks frail, is strong, ball control. A pleasure to watch (if you were in the Tattie team)
Big Dave - 8
A stalwart, and should get extra points for taking so much pleasure from the game. Good passing after destroying the Mince attacks, and had a couple of jinky moves.