A NEW HOPE
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
MINCE 8
TATTIES 17
Ah the sweet smell of success...
Following weeks of oppression the Rebellion, led by me and Iain (well, we have suffered the most under the rule of the Empire) finally defeated Emperor Alan and his trusty sidekick, Darth Christiano. Also with us on our journey against the dark side were Marty (or Chewbacca as he's known to friends) and Jar-Jar Luke.
Neil was missing (he was taken away by men in white coats after having lost again last week) and this might have seriously hampered the Rebellion (or the Tatties as we are also known). However this week we had a worthy man to take his place; the Yoda of all footballers; a man who is an inspiration to us all; a man who also happens to be my boss - Phil Woodrow. By the way Phil, if you're reading this, I'm not too proud to accept a manegerial position. I know you may think it would be below me, but I'd be willing to take over the running of this place for a meagre 40 thou a year.
Si was also missing. This was a blessing for those of us who are fitnessly challenged, and his place was taken by Dave. Dave made a solid debut (though he is no Phil Woodrow) but ended the game with a horrific bout of cramp.
As you would expect I opened the scoring with a typically cool, calm and clinical stike. Luke scored a beauty not long after, and a strike from Iain made it 3-0.
This really finished the game, because at around the same time Marty woke up from his 8-pints-enduced slumber. By the end of the game he was fully alert and scoring goals for fun. Hence the final score of 17-8.
Naturally enough Christian's attention wandered from football to ankle hacking. He started by chipping away at Iain's shins and ankles. When Iain failed to fall he moved onto me. A late swipe at my legs sent me soaring into orbit and his 100% record of flooring a man per game was intact. I hope your proud Creeky.
As the game reached the forty minute mark it was notable how many players were completely finished in terms of fitness. Aside from Dave's burst of cramp, Iain was surprisingly struggling. More surprisingly was the fact that I felt okay. I think Si has a lot to do with me struggling in games. Just watching him makes me tired.
Also about the forty minute mark goals start flying in from everywhere. Actually, not everywhere. Most seemed to come from Marty's right foot. Iain also pitched in with a few. Poor Tam began to struggle in goals: first by letting in my slow motion trundler of an effort, and then by throwing a shot by Iain through his own legs.
The Tatties were now simply content to hit on the break. Which we did constantly. Every time the Mince lost the ball it was quickly fired up to Martie, Iain or me. Generally we then had a free shot on goal. Had it not been for some great saves from Alan, the score could have been worse.
By the end of the match we had cruised to a nine goal mauling. Unless Alan gets his act together soon, his reign could be about to end.
Man of the Match - Iain
Alan's late vote swings it for Iain. What can I say about my team mate except from I made him look good. The highlight of his match was a mazy dribble round about four players, which ended with him shooting straight at the keeper. Pity.
Goal of the Match - Phil
Hi mazy romp out of goals all the way down the pitch to blast one past Tom at the end.
Miss of the Match - Luke
Despite a good game, Luke spoiled his performance which a wild slash of a shot. The ball was last spotted passing Jupiter and is expected to reach Uranus within the next few days.
Save of the Match - Alan/Phil
Alan made a belter of a save from one of my shots. Phil made a spectacular save when Christian was through one on one.
Player ratings
Mince
Tom - 6
Spoiled a decent outfield performance with some wild goalkeeping, which included his howler of the week. Hurt his finger (again) towards the end.
Alan - 8
He seemed bizarrely attack minded at times. Scored a really good goal when I was goalkeeper. And didn't kill anyone.
Christian - 5
From hero to zero in a week. After last weeks goal-feast he failed to score. And he only managed to hack me once. He's slipping.
Dave - 7
Solid debut from the new signing. Had neither the brilliance of Craig, nor the crappiness of Christian but managed a decent game, capped off with a stunning strike.
Craig - 8
Mr Backheel produced another great display, keeping his team in it with his surging runs down the left wing. He skinned me about eight times.
Tatties
Luke - 8
A performance full of tricks, skill and class. His Ronaldinho moves were a joy to watch. Dominated the opening minutes when the Tatties stamped their authority on the game.
Me - 8
I got the all important opening goal, and I've never given myself 8 before so I think I deserve it.
Marty - 8
The Man (or should that be wookie?) of 8 pints probably can't remember much of the match. He scored umpteen, his trademark right foot thunderbolt safely restored after misfiring last week.
Iain - 9
Also bounced back from last week's disappointing display. That is definitely his lucky pitch (I'm sure that was where he had his 8 goal wonder game).
Phil - 8
I just want you to know, Mr Woodrow sir, that I thought you should have got man of the match. Great performance, team player, great goalkeeper, blah blah. Now, about that promotion...