Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a ten foot tall giant who keeps scoring goals...
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
MINCE 12
TATTIES 8
The giants strolled to victory on a rain-sodden table tennis sized pitch last night.
As Si and Iain struggled to exert any influence, owing to the incredible lack of space within the subbuteo sized pitch, vertical height became more important than horizontal prowess. Alan and Christian stepped up a gear, and the match was a comprehensive triumph for the Mincers, who maintained their 100% record.
Unfortunately, for those who are currently scouring the website looking for a Windows Media File of all the action (which I'm sure you've all been doing), the much anticipated live video of the game has been postponed until next week. Some scandelous scheduling meant that the technical team (i.e. my fiancee Kathleen) was delayed by the traffic heading towards Celtic Park. That Strathclyde Police could allow two huge matches to go ahead so close to each other, is another stunning example of their incompetence.
A flurry of transfer activity shortly before kick off saw a swap deal between Tom and Marty. Guess who got the better deal there! With the way Tom played, if this deal hadn't taken place we'd have got beat 14-4 or something.
Despite most of us being on the pitch warming up at 6:15pm, as always the game started five minutes late after the tarditional fashionably late arrival of Luke. Within about forty seconds of his arrival Christian, boosted by some pre-match steriods, had scored a hat-trick. It was 3-0 and us Tatties were in a state of shock as to how bad things were going.
A few blinks later, Christian had added another couple and Alan had fully stretched his leg (to it's natural length of 6 feet long) and slid the ball into the net (beating me in the process, I must sadly admit). Despite a Neil counter we were 6-1 behind and the match was already looking like a proccession for the Mincers.
At this stage of the game myself and Iain had managed to perfect the art of not scoring whilst running through on goal. I seem to remember having about six wild slashes at goal, whilst Iain left us all wondering how he was going to miss next as he shot high, low, wide, near and far. Fortunately for us two left foot striked from Tom (I never thought I'd see myself write that) kept us vaguely in touch.
In the end though, Toms heroics were not enough. Despite finding my shooting boots (I scored a marvelloous OG into the top corner), we crumbled to defeat. Every time a gap appeared for us to exploit, a huge, gangly limb (belonging to Christian or, occassionally, Alan) would stretch out and block the shot. It was a bloody frustrating game. The match finished in controversy, as the next teams came on a full three minutes early. Despite being shooed away by Iain, the game disintigrated as a result of their untimely invasion.
A special mention must also go to the pitch. What an utter monstrosity of a surface. Not content with having a total area of about 6 square metres, I was swept out of my home last night by the avalanche of wee, black rubber bits that were in my trainers when I took them off. The sheer amount of those wee black things on the surface of the pitch also made it very slippy, like playing football in six feet of snow. I'm definitely going to get a pair of red, shiny dorothy shoes for next week to give me extra grip.
I'm going to hand all the awards over to Tam the Bam this week, purely for his variety of nicknames and the fact that I can't be bothered doing it.
Hello, United Kingdom, this is Oslo calling. The results from the Norwegian jury are as follows:
Man of the Match
Christiano "Lineker Without the Unblemished Disciplinary Record" Graham - for some superb goals and nobbling two of the opposition (Tamba Trio and Me) with laxative dextrose pills, and then not even eating one himself pre-match.
Goalie of the Match
Tamba Trio, for his mega goal-keeping, especially at the start, without which we'd have lost by a lot more.
Plucky Hero Of the Match
Neil who was our best outfield player I thought - good defending and attacking and tireless energy.
Stifled Stallions of The Match
Our two thoroughbred race-horses Iain "Webbsy" Cochrane and Si "Don't call me Will Young" Kneecap (patella hoho) who were like caged lions, unable to unleash their full armoury due to the Munchkin midget pitch that is 11.
Violet T-shirt of the match!
Tam - it was Blue once but has changed considerably now
Goal of the match!
I'd also like to add Goal of the Match to Tom himself for a smashing left footed goal after some good build up play, and injury of the match to Iain for the incident when the ball hit him in the, well, an area which made him talk in a squeaky voice for the rest of the game.
Player ratings
Mince
Alan - 8
The king returned with an impeccible display in the heart of defence. He was a tower of strength to his side.
Marty - 6
Didn't score his usual hatful of goals. Must have been suffering from a lack of match fitness, having missed last week's game.
Luke - 7
I thought Luke had a good game. Nutmegged me which, as you all know, is an incredibly difficult thing to do. He would have got 8 if he hadn't been late. Again.
Craig - 6
Man marked well by Tom. Also missed a few good chances, although admittedly some this was occassionally down to an incredibly gifted goalkeeper!
Christiano - 9
The big man returned to his ways of the earlier weeks. Didn't kill anyone, and scored umpteen goals.
Tatties
Me - 7
For once I was on the ball in goals, although struggled to get involved much out of goals. Scored a stunning OG to rival Si's strike last week.
Si - 6
For once Si's fitness was negated. The smallness of the pitch meant he was confined too much to be as big an influence as usual.
Iain - 6
Like Si his fitness was cancelled out by the confines of the pitch. He also failed to score (something even Tom has managed to do every week!)
Note - Tom has NOT scored every week - The Editor
Neil - 8
As Tom has said he was probably the teams best player. Once again he didn't deserve to lose. Once again he did.
Tam the Bam - 8
Scored two goals with his left foot. Constantly won tackles. Still has an incredible knack of disappearing when in goals with an opponent running through.
NEXT WEEK'S REPLACEMENT FOR NEIL!
As Neil can't make it next week, us Tatties have drafted in a replacement...
Also, for next week, negotiations are in place with a top British commentator to summarize our encounter....
