Fitbaw Awards 2013

Monday, 16 December 2013


This is the end of our tenth season of Fitbaw. February next year is our official birthday but this is the tenth set of annual awards that we've had. Ten years is a pretty good run and I hope we can still be going in another ten. The pace might end up a little slower but I'm pretty sure we’ll still be kicking lumps out of each other ten years on.

It’s been a pretty good season but one hampered by some long term injuries which has led to two games being cancelled and one 4v4 game too. But we've still had 47 games which isn't bad.

  • Number of times Fitbaw has been 100% Hardcore
    • 6 (88% of games have required a ringer)
  • Number of players to play Fitbaw this year
    • 29
  • Most common injuries
    • Ankle = 37 weeks:
      • Ross - 16 weeks
      • Steve - 11 weeks
      • Alan - 3 weeks
      • Iain - 3 weeks
      • Scott - 3 weeks
      • Stuart - 1 week
  • Player with the least number of injuries
    • Neil = no injuries but missed 6 weeks after his op
    • Robert = 1 week with a dead leg
  • Player with the most injuries
    • Rusty:
      • Shin splints
      • Heel
      • Hammy x 3

Thanks to all the Hardcore players for turning up week in week out but an extra special thanks to the Ringers, without whom we wouldn't actually get a game most weeks. An extra special mention to Gary and Liam who have both played more games than half the supposed “Hardcore”. Maybe we should introduce demotions? We've also welcomed some new semi-regular faces too so thanks to you and all the Ringers once more.

We've also lost a Hardcore member, with Jon retiring at the beginning of the year which finally gave Grant his promotion after 7 seasons as a Ringer. However, with no retirements at the end of this season, unless someone still has something to tell me (Martie? Ross? No? You sure? OK) then there are no promotions this year. Gary, the new Grant, is first in line with Liam and Allan not far behind.


With us celebrating a decade of Fitbaw, I thought this would be a good excuse to look back over ten years worth of stats and see who knows what. So, pens at the ready:

Footballer or Fitbawer?

Who has played more games?

  1. Martie or Ruud van Nistelrooy for Man U?
    1. Martie (226 vs 219)
  2. Alan or Kenny Dalglish for Celtic?
    1. Alan (326 vs 322)
  3. Jon or Mark Hateley for Rangers?
    1. Remember Jon had two different Fitbaw spells
    2. Mark Hateley (222 vs 217)
  4. Foxy or Lorenzo Amoruso for Rangers?
    1. Foxy (225 vs 224)
  5. Neil or Graeme Souness for Liverpool?
    1. Stuart (348 vs 359)

POTY Winners

Can you name all the POTY winners over the last ten years? Bonus points for getting them in the right order:

2004. Alan
2005. Foxy
2006. Stuart
2007. Karl
2008. Alan
2009. Alan
2010. Scott
2011. Ross
2012. Steve
2013. Steve

Q: Which ones of these winners is the only player to do the clean sweep of POTY, MOTM, MVP and Wooden Spoon? The answer is Foxy

Who has…?

  1. Played the most games?
    1. Neil - 365
    2. Iain - 350
    3. Stuart - 348
    4. Alan - 326
  2. Most points?
    1. Iain - 541
    2. Alan - 540
    3. Stuart - 519
    4. Neil - 487
  3. Most MOTM wins?
    1. Kyle - 35.5
    2. Scott - 35.24
    3. Steve - 31.33
    4. Ross - 28.66
  4. Best points/games played ratio (MVP)?
    1. Steve - 2.06
    2. Alan - 1.66
    3. Foxy - 1.64
    4. Iain - 1.55

Individual Awards

Players: Martie and Ross

Award: Who Are You? Award

Prop: Life size black silhouette with a white "?" on it masks

Chat: One of these players played the first half of the season, had a good win rate and even a few MOTM votes and a MOTM win - his best start to a season in years. Then he just disappeared with no reasons as to why. As far as we knew, he wasn't injured and he'd already had his washing machine delivered and his Sky installed (twice). He also never turned up at the Summer Extravaganza with no good reason either. This is all down to the fact he has a new girlfriend or dog. Not sure which one is to blame.

The other player had a different start to the season where he couldn't buy a win. Then he did his ankle in, as he does every year, and just never came back even though the rumour is that he’s at the gym and running!

So for becoming a total strangers over the last 6 months, these awards goes to someone called "M-a-r-t-i-e" and a guy called "R-o-s-s", I think. Who are you guys?

Player: Paul

Award: Impotent Rage Award

Prop: Can of spinach, Popeye style

Chat: Imagine the scenario - you've been winning for most of the game, it's the last couple of minutes and the opposition have pulled it back to a draw and then it all goes wrong. The keeper plays the ball outside the D and gives away a penalty. You're furious and the rage builds inside you like a boiling cauldron of burning hot lava. You grab your kit and storm off the pitch, muttering obscenities about the opposition and their mothers. Well, you try to storm off, but even with the power of rage, you can't quite get the door open. It's a bit stuck and so are you. You pull and pull, ever more feebly at the stuck door until you finally admit that, despite the power of the rage, you’re just not strong enough to open a door. Slowly, the rage cools and you trudge back the rest of the players and humbly shake hands thinking “I need more spinach in my diet”.

Player: Scott

Award: One Trick Pony Award

Prop: Horse's head mask

Chat: As Robert pointed out midway through the season "all he's got is a turn and shoot", at which point, Scott turned, shot and scored and proceeded to do so for the rest of the season. Had it not been for his injury with three games to, he would probably have taken home the POTY award but instead, Scotty wins the "One Trick Pony" award!

Player: Steven

Award: The “Pride” of FItbaw Award

Prop: Gay pride statue

Chat: The US Army has a policy called "Don't ask, don't tell" meaning "we'll not ask if you're gay if you don't tell us if you are" and you can serve, no problem. In our squad, we have one player who we're never really sure about either. He seems to like the ladies but never missed an opportunity to touch another player and is always happy to take his top off. He's even recently taken to just wearing a compression top so he can show off the abs without having to even bother removing his top - that's dedication. This year also saw him get his ass waxed - for what? We’re too scared to ask. However, here at Fitbaw, we don't mind which way he swings because we know he's fabulous inside and out. Steve wins the “Pride of FItbaw Award” award.

Player: Stuart

Award: Daz Ultra Award

Prop: Small pack of Daz washing powder

Chat: Now this player has had a few interesting kit choices of the years but nothing else quite compares to his Mince outfit a few weeks ago. Apparently struggling for kit due to all his recent manly sporting pursuits (badminton, or poof tennis, as it's known, and a nice bit of field hockey), he was forced into wearing white shorts, white socks and a plain white cotton t-shirt from Primark, somewhat resembling a refugee. However, all were blindingly white so for that, we award Stuard the "Daz Ultra" award.

Player: Kyle

Award: Waaaaambulance Award

Prop: Toy ambulance

Chat: Now it's never funny when someone gets injured, especially when it's a bad one. However, when their first shout is "I NEED AN AMBULANCE" things do become slightly amusing. What's even funnier is when 5 minutes later, he's back on his feet and feeling a little sheepish. We were delighted that he didn't need one in the end but to make sure he's always got his ambulance in case of emergencies, here's the "Waaaaambulance" award for Kyle.

Player: Neil

Award: Doppelganger Award

Prop: Glasses, nose, mustache combo disguise

Chat: The theory is that everyone out there has a doppelganger - someone who look just you do but completely different in every other aspect. This season, during the one four vs four match, we had, we witnessed one of our longest serving players cunningly replaced by their own doppelganger. This opposite version of this person proceeded to dazzle on the pitch, beating the entire opposition on a number of occasions and scoring with ease. There were turns, tricks, headers, volleys - everything! So Neil receives the "Doppelganger" award. Maybe if you see him again you can hand over the award and maybe convince this mysterious look-a-likey to join us more often?

Player: Grant

Award: Vanilla Award

Prop: An ice cream cone with a string so it be tied under the chin so his head becomes the ice cream

Chat: This player, when not injured, turns up week in, week out and just does a job. He doesn't make that many mistakes, occasionally has a moment of brilliance but, generally, he just plays a good pass or makes sure he tracks back or chips in with the odd goal. If we compare him to ice cream, he might not be your first choice of chocolate or as exciting as rum and raisin but he’s always there as a good fallback option that everyone likes. So for that reason, we’d like to award Grant the "Vanilla" award along with this lovely chin attachment.

Player: Alan

Award: Iceman Award

Prop: A scroll with the Club Rules on it

Chat: Now this award isn't because this player is particularly cool. Nor is this award because he flies fighter plans for the American Navy and plays volleyball with his top off. It's also not because he's a mutant that can spray ice everywhere. This award goes to this player because he slips and slides everywhere - he just can't stay on his feet! Despite the rules stating that no slide tackles are allowed (something I think we should revisit!), this player manages to skirt round this more than often and still get away with it. That man is, of course, Alan who wins the "Iceman" award and, just in case he’s not sure, a copy of the official rules.

Player: Robert

Award: Positive Reinforcement Award

Prop: “Well Done” stickers

Chat: This award goes to the most vocal player on the pitch. It didn't matter if you were winning or losing, he was right there to tell you why that pass was the wrong option, that you’re standing in the wrong place, that you’re not moving enough, that you’re moving too much, etc, etc. However, over the last few months, there’s been a new aspect to his chat. It’s been positive, congratulatory, even downright encouraging. Gone is the angry Robert and he’s been replaced by the helpful, positive Robert (who will still put you into the boards without thinking twice). Is it a coincidence that his change in attitude started when Ross got injured? Who knows! But for all his encouragement of late, I would like to present Robert with the “Positive Reinforcement” award and these lovely “Well Done!” stickers so he can continue his good work.

Player: Iain

Award: "I want to be like Steve" Award

Prop: “If you had fun you won” trophy

Annual Awards

Most Valuable Player - Best points to games played ratio

Winner = Steve. Played 25, won 18 and lost only 7.
Runner up = Martie. Played 20, won 11 and lost 9.
Loser = Paul. Played 22, lost 15 and only won 6.

Players’ Player of the Year - Most MOTM wins

Winner = Steve. 6 wins.
Runners up = Kyle, Neil, Ross, Scott & Grant. 3 wins each.
Loser = Paul. 0 wins.

Wooden Spoon/Smelly Sanny - Least points

Winner = Paul. 19.22 points.
Runner up = Kyle. 25.2 points.

Player of the Year - Most points

Winner = Steve. 54.25 points.
Runner up = Robert. 52.35 points.

Yes, Steve’s won all three awards again, for the second year running. Or has he? At this stage, it’s worth mentioning a young gentleman from a foreign land full of green hills, leprechauns and Guinness. Liam used to play with us years ago but then became unavailable for some reason. Anyway, his first game back was at the end of March and since then, he’s played 31 games.

What’s more interesting is the number of those games that Liam’s won which is 19 which actually put his POTY score at 61.31 which seems to be more than the 54.25 that Steve has.

Now, Liam’s not Hardcore so he can't technically win POTY, so the records will show that Steve won it again this year but we all know the truth! Congratulations to Liam, I mean Steve!


So there we have it, the 2013 Fitbaw season is over and, according to the stats, the “Team of the Year” is:

  1. Steve
  2. Robert
  3. Scott
  4. Stuart
  5. Iain

If anyone’s unhappy with their award then those are the ones that Robert did. If anyone if particularly pleased with theirs, then I take full credit. Here’s hoping 2014 is a lot more less injury prone and thanks to all for playing and coming today. Now let’s get (more) pissed!

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